You. You know who you are. Yes, you.
Professional contact is making you feel uncomfortable? You can't quite put your finger on it, but it all seems a bit... off? Overly personal questions? Funny suggestions? Is it maybe just you, you're reading it all wrong?
I have heard this story too many times and I'm sick of it.
The answer is no.
Here is how these men work. It is not complicated. They knock you off guard, but just by a bit. Nothing that could be pegged down, nothing specifically identifiable. The goal is to confuse you, and, success, you're confused.
And when you're confused, you look for whatever social indicators are available to work out if this is/is not OK.
And, if you're like 98% of all the ladies in all the world, the first social indicators you will check will be from him. Do not do this. Do not allow the terms to be set by this man.
If you read the email twice to see if you were just being silly, he wins.
If you re-read your email to him twice, to check if there's anything in it that could give the wrong impression, he wins.
If any part of your brainspace is populated with worrying about the situation and you can't stop it, he wins.
These men are not good men. Do not follow terms set by these men.
These men are better at this than you think. Do not use subtle social indicators, they can twist them better than you can. And then they're setting the terms again. That's the goal. However it's framed, the goal of these men is to get power. Power over what happens in your head. If you try to get rid of him subtly, it won't work. And he'll twist it and twist it and then he's deeper than he was before.
He's not playing by fair social rules. Those who don't play by fair rules always have the upper hand over those who do.
So, you must tell the man to stop.
And when you do, he will act baffled, and hurt, and this will make you feel terrible, which is what it's supposed to do. He's hoping it will make you feel bad enough that you back down - at which point, he gets to start again, but with deeper hooks this time.
In the nicest possible way,
and with all the grace you can muster,
tell him to fuck off.
Posts
YEAH!
ReplyDeleteIs this behaviour prevalent? It seems like good advice. Don't let anybody mess with your head.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, Harold, it is. It's prevalent because it's very effective, and hard to retaliate against without looking mean (which women don't ever want to do).
ReplyDeleteA lot of women my age (I'm thirty) have never experienced old-school harassment, but we don't know the new models (as described) very well either. We're very good at identifying and acting against off-colour jokes and belittlement, but the men who want to mess with our heads? Them, not so much.
But we can learn.